Recognizing Your New Jersey Divorce Non-Negotiables

Defining your non-negotiables beforehand will allow you to approach your divorce with a focus and direction, which in turn, enables a more productive process where you don’t lose sight of what matters most to you.

Divorce can be a messy process that is replete with contention.  You are not choosing to radically change your life because of something trivial.  Getting a divorce is challenging emotionally, mentally, and physically.  To participate in productive, sincere negotiations, you and your ex should be clear about your deal breakers (non-negotiables) regarding a divorce settlement.  Non-negotiables are the boundaries you set based on your values, beliefs, and needs and how they are reflected in your divorce agreement.  They are the things that are the most important, critical decisions that will be made as you settle your divorce.

Before you negotiate the terms of your divorce, you should make three lists:

1. Your non-negotiables;
2. What you think your ex’s non-negotiables will be; and
3. Any key areas that you think you might have in common.

Identifying these needs early can provide a clearer picture of what will come.  It can also save time during the settlement process because the parameters of what each side has determined as non-negotiable have already been disclosed.

Once you have explained your divorce deal-breakers, your ex may not acquiesce to every one of them.  As essential as they are to you, there may need to be some negotiation and compromise on both sides to reach an agreement.  It is about focusing on the family’s needs, not what would be nice to have happen. Wanting a specific concession in your divorce drastically differs from needing certain conditions. And yet, refusing to give in certain areas may be fundamental to your future, to who you are, and to what you need to move on with some semblance of peace of mind.

Common Areas Where Couples Tend to Have Strong Non-Negotiables During Divorce

1. Safety and Respect

You cannot have a civil discussion when abuse is involved.  Abuse of any kind should always be non-negotiable.  Intimidation, insults, or threats are unacceptable.  Substance abuse is also included in this category.  You cannot reason with someone whose mind is influenced by intoxicating substances.  Physical abuse can lead to criminal charges and should never be tolerated.  You should refuse to negotiate with someone who cannot respect you enough to treat you safely.  Financial abuse can also be an issue when one partner withholds all the assets from the other, refusing to disclose bank accounts and other assets unless ordered by the court, wasting time and precious resources.

2. Financial Support for Your Children

Child support is another non-negotiable part of a divorce.  New Jersey has a formula used by most judges to determine the amount of support to be paid based on the parenting plan and each parent’s income.  This prevents placing an impossibly heavy burden on the parents financially while still providing for the children.

Providing an economically stable environment for the children to thrive in is typically non-negotiable.  Unfortunately, frequently there are disagreements as to what that looks like concretely.  What one parent deems absolutely essential may not be perceived as such by the other.  This is where the values of the parents come into play as they discuss their non-negotiables regarding economic issues for the children.  One parent may insist that a college fund be started (or continued), while another may insist on a paid vacation every summer.

3. Financial Considerations

Some couples have a prenuptial agreement determining alimony, thus extinguishing any argument about non-negotiables in this area.  Those who do not may present their deal breakers regarding alimony.  This may be a time limit on the alimony payments or a ballpark figure of the amount to be paid.  Some people agree not to have alimony because they want to move on as quickly as possible and avoid the contact sometimes required under these circumstances.  Others decide they no longer want anything from their ex and prefer to fend for themselves.  Independence can be an essential non-negotiable.

The division of assets is a significant point of contention, especially when the marriage has lasted several years.  From cars and real estate to retirement accounts, the big-ticket items are sometimes more accessible to settle than those of more sentimental value. A non-negotiable in this category could be retaining the family home and keeping your beloved uncle’s antique watch collection.  The most challenging hurdle to overcome is ensuring that your non-negotiables are essential to your well-being and not a way to get even with your ex by taking something you know means a lot to them.

4. Child custody and co-parenting

Child custody can be a central sticking point when parents do not budge on their non-negotiables in this area.  In a perfect world, both parents could enjoy the company of their children without limits.  However, non-negotiables are not just about the time spent with the children.  How the parents communicate with one another, what they say about the other parent in front of the children, and how they establish and follow the rules for the children are all possible topics for non-negotiables.

Balancing Your Non-Negotiables With External Factors when Getting Divorced

There are some conditions that a divorce settlement cannot control.  As mentioned previously, New Jersey has certain factors that influence the amount of alimony to be paid and by whom, so no matter what your non-negotiable is in that area, you may be bound by the court’s calculations or at the very least, the ways in which courts view financial arrangements of this kind.  Alimony is also frequently determined by the length of the marriage and other factors such as the education and possible job potential of a spouse to support themselves.

Maintaining their best interests, emotional well-being, and long-term financial stability could mean adjusting some non-negotiables when the children are involved. For example, if you insist on having the children every Sunday because you want to take them to church, that could take away other opportunities they may have to socialize with friends or take a 3-day weekend excursion with the other parent, grandparents or friends. Their emotional well-being is of the utmost importance, and hopefully, you and your ex will find some common ground with your non-negotiables there.  Not using the children to spy on the other parent, talking disparagingly about them, not leaning on your children emotionally as if they were adults, and avoiding arguments in front of them are plausible non-negotiables.

Helpful Methods to Identify Your Divorce Non-Negotiables

Identifying your non-negotiables is not something you can do adequately in one sitting while watching your favorite streamed series on a Saturday night.  It requires sincere self-reflection as you identify the priorities regarding your separation and your family, which are the most essential.  Many find journaling to be helpful.  Others talk it over with treasured family members and friends.  Consulting with a therapist is another way to look at what is most valued by you and why.  Some couples can share their thoughts openly and honestly with their ex.  Divorce doesn’t always have to be ugly, although it is unavoidable in certain cases. Regardless of the level of tension with your ex, speaking plainly with your attorney is a vital part of the process.

Discuss Your Divorce Non-Negotiables with an Attorney who Will Fight for You in NJ

At the Montanari Law Group, we understand how much you value the non-negotiable aspects of your divorce. We can offer advice on how to make them realistic and achievable. We will explain your legal rights and provide detailed options that coincide with what you value the most.  Our experienced attorneys will negotiate successfully on your behalf, and if litigation is required, we are prepared to advocate for you in court to obtain the best possible outcome. Whether you are considering divorce, in the midst of divorce proceedings, or dealing with post-divorce matters, we are here to help. We proudly serve clients in Livingston, Summit, Glen Ridge, South Orange, Mahwah, Totowa, Little Falls, Hawthorne, and throughout New Jersey. We understand that the divorce process is challenging, and we can guide you through the process, contributing timely advice and legal knowledge that can make it less complicated. If you have questions regarding your divorce, call us today at (973) 233-4396  or contact us online.